The Virtuous Vituperator

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

A journey


It's going to be my journal. No one has to see it, and if anyone does, it doesn't matter. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone but me- and I am SUPER cool with that. I'm putting myself through a difficult journey into my own heart. It's going to hurt like hell too. I need this trip. Need to rip out my guts, examine them, fill a hole or sixty six, patch what can't be filled, learn to be okay with it all and then put it all back in and cope with the recovery.

Step one.
I quit drinking alcohol (again). 3 weeks now. Feels good.
Step Two.
I quit drinking caffeine. This was hard like a freaking, fracking, fucking mofo! Pardon the UNladylike language, but that's sort of the way it is with me, I call it as I see it. Quitting caffeine was harder than quitting smoking. I smoked on/off for 20 years.
Step Three.
Laying down some rules in my life. Time rules. Hours to work within. People whose life/shit means digging into me in a way that does me harm and make demands on my time that piss me off. Spending more time (than already) with my kids. My kids are everything and I LIKE being with them, so why shouldn't I devote more time to them? Work within my marriage to at least repair the damage I am responsible for and be sure my husband knows that I take responsibility for my share of the crap we've been through. (like all marriages)

Essentially, I want to feel whole, I want to feel good about being whole. Can't do that without some pain to rid myself of the stuff that eats me up on the inside. Further, just saying "I don't care" rid me of about 25% of those internal parasites in one quick swoop. Pretty amazing to know that not dwelling and caring about all the little stupid stuff in life could loosen up this old tightly wound bag of bones.

There's more, but I'm starting with these. Focused therapy and effort and I can do this- I see myself being drawn to a few people in my life (past and present) for certain reasons, and away from others for similar and different ones as well.

All I know is I WANT to take this journey. I want to feel all these emotions bottled up inside of me. If I don't actually experience them I won't appreciate how they got there in the first place.


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