The Virtuous Vituperator

Thursday, October 16, 2008

20 year old dust!

Hello 20 year old dust....

As I'm blogging/journalling about my latest life shit I came up with a cool analogy I want to write down before I forget it, but first the usual Beth longwinded preface to the story.

I am a drug addict. In recovery. 21.5 years worth of recovery.

But wait says a pal or two, we've seen you drink?! This is true. Alcohol counts as a drug. I'm counting druuuuuugs, like acid, cocaine, pot, and the like. I stayed sober off of alcohol for a good five or so (maybe more) years. I reintroduced it to my life, and make my personal pilgrimages to full sobriety several times a year to keep myself in check. Sometimes I just plain don't wanna drink, overall, it's social and I'm not a daily drinker, or a drink to drunk person. In fact I haven't been drunk in quite a few years. I have a mild heart condition that prevents that from happening as it were, I cannot get drunk without suffering some nasty consequences. Moderation is key.

I digress. When I was 17 years old, on April 5, 1987 to be precise, I had a mild heart attack. Lesson learned the hard way- drugs are bad. PDAP/12 step recovery here I come. I never looked back at drugs. A terrifying feeling to have a heart attack. It's not something you really forget. How the truly committed drug addicts go back is beyond my reckoning. I was terrified straight.

I did the usual 12step recovery system. Got through it, thinking, whew, glad that's over with, move along. Flash forward 20 years. (21.5 to be precise) and I'm a new person, I have kids, house, work, the usual shit. I'm also doing a lot of personal growth work. Have been for three years. Since the stress-induced vertigo began.

I have a new friend too. This new friend may or may not fully understand this, but I open up to him as I truly AM. All of me. Most people only give a version of themselves to the outside world and save the crazy crusty stuff for a mate or a BFF. Not me- I'm not whole with anyone, including myself. It's a huge part of my addictive personality. Total inadequacy when it comes to settling down and just being me. I have worked my way to a point of actually feeling pretty close to whole. My new friend actually puts me at ease enough to open up to be whole and myself with him and I am infinitely appreciative of the chance to get to do that for the first time in my life. It is also scary as all shit. I am trying super hard to not self-sabotage this and remain true to being ME. Same friend does not "get" that because the only me he knows is ME. Plus, it's too easy for me to fall in to the not me pattern I'm so accustomed to.

I went in for a weekly therapy session as I'm embarking on divorce #2 and well, it's not a lot of fun. In fact, it's kinda sucking even though I am looking forward to the moving on portion of this.

I was sitting there talking about all of the above and more and I said in so many words--- you know I thought I had worked the program all those years ago. But I'm not whole, I'm not comfortable being me and I've spent a LOT! of time and energy putting on the face I think each person wants to see. Carrying bucketloads of work and guilt to try and please each and every one of them. Who on Earth could ever love or like me as I am? Therefore I MUST find a way to please you. And find, and find, and find..... and find some more. I must EARN your false love, because you only tolerate me because I'm useful. Years of work to move past all that pain.

Today I sit there and realize that 21.5 years ago when I went into the 12step program that I worked MOST of it. Most is not good enough when tackling such things. That while I did not fall back to prey to drug addiction I addicted myself to pleasing others. I went back in and looked around and didn't see a pretty and pristine place.

I equate it to living in my room. It's a nice room. Stuff where it ought to be. But upon closer inspection I find little piles of dust in the corners, under the rug, under the bed, little sprinklings everywhere. HMMMMM Dust? How did you get in my pristine little living space? I must sweep you out. Sweep-sweep. Lo! What is this? A big honkin' pile of dust. But it's not dust- it's a dust MONSTER! A dust demon. I blew up my demon a long time ago, but who knew I had to clean out my room from the dust he left behind. So once swept all back together there he is offering me all the cozy comforts I know and lvoe so dearly. Inadequacy. Uselessness. Undeserving of love. Inpatience. Patheticness. And....

21.5 years.
Look at all this dust. What do I do with it? Redistribute it and hide it again so no one will notice? Hmmm that didn't work out so good these past 20 years because I going into my second divorce and have a trail of shit behind me and self-destructive behavior up the wazzoooooo to last 5 people 5 lifetimes each. Do I pretend it's not there and just walk around it? Ummmm it's a honkin huge pile of dust right in front of the door, I CAN'T ignore it. Where I'm at in this game I can't do anything but focus on it.

So I'm getting the broom and I'm REsweeping my room. I'm also going to completely clean it top to bottom. Then I'm going to chip away at that dustpile bit by bit til its gone. I don't think it's going to take too long, but it's embarassing that others have to see it, but is also ok because I'm ok as long as I know it's going down, not up, and when I'm done I will have a beautiful clean new room.

When the dust is gone then I will have completed that 12step program. Not til then. I doing a combo 4, 8, 9 step right now. I thought I did this once before but I didn't do it 100% committed. I'm doing that now. I'm actually slowly sliding into step 10.

My next anniversary of my sobriety will be here in April. I'm going in for my chip. I want it now. Before I had sort of forgotten about it and then was reminded and blew off getting it. Not now. I WANT THAT CHIP!!! It took me this long to figure out why it felt weird to go get it- well now they couldn't keep me away.

Moral of the story- if you're working the program- dig in for the total honesty required to get the job done. Sweep up regularly to be sure. It's too easy to overlook it.

I'm so proud to realize this is it- I'm actually going to be finished.......
Thank you Friend for listening and opening my eyes to where I'm at. You didn't see it or say it, but I was myself with you and the revelation came to me all on its own as a result of our honest chats. While our friendship may be fleeting, I will always have a great affection and admiration for what this has afforded me and I hope you continue your own personal growth and complete your program dust free.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Hey, that's me!

Air date February 8, 2008.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

A journey


It's going to be my journal. No one has to see it, and if anyone does, it doesn't matter. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone but me- and I am SUPER cool with that. I'm putting myself through a difficult journey into my own heart. It's going to hurt like hell too. I need this trip. Need to rip out my guts, examine them, fill a hole or sixty six, patch what can't be filled, learn to be okay with it all and then put it all back in and cope with the recovery.

Step one.
I quit drinking alcohol (again). 3 weeks now. Feels good.
Step Two.
I quit drinking caffeine. This was hard like a freaking, fracking, fucking mofo! Pardon the UNladylike language, but that's sort of the way it is with me, I call it as I see it. Quitting caffeine was harder than quitting smoking. I smoked on/off for 20 years.
Step Three.
Laying down some rules in my life. Time rules. Hours to work within. People whose life/shit means digging into me in a way that does me harm and make demands on my time that piss me off. Spending more time (than already) with my kids. My kids are everything and I LIKE being with them, so why shouldn't I devote more time to them? Work within my marriage to at least repair the damage I am responsible for and be sure my husband knows that I take responsibility for my share of the crap we've been through. (like all marriages)

Essentially, I want to feel whole, I want to feel good about being whole. Can't do that without some pain to rid myself of the stuff that eats me up on the inside. Further, just saying "I don't care" rid me of about 25% of those internal parasites in one quick swoop. Pretty amazing to know that not dwelling and caring about all the little stupid stuff in life could loosen up this old tightly wound bag of bones.

There's more, but I'm starting with these. Focused therapy and effort and I can do this- I see myself being drawn to a few people in my life (past and present) for certain reasons, and away from others for similar and different ones as well.

All I know is I WANT to take this journey. I want to feel all these emotions bottled up inside of me. If I don't actually experience them I won't appreciate how they got there in the first place.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007


me, my son, and those like our family.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Presidential Volunteer Service Award

A BIG ol mouthful, isn't it?
Wellllll! My Vice President is receiving one. She was nominated at the federal level which is a different distinction than receiving it from an accredited organization.

I'm giddy!
She deserves this recognition for her time and dedication more than anyone I know. She's receiving it at the White House no less. Not sure who from, but at the WH all the same. When? During our trip there together next month. I wrote the letter for the nomination that was REQUESTED (oooooh ahhhh!) from a WH staffer. So while there, I get to see her recieve this very special distinction.

That's right kids! I'm heading back ot the White House. By invitation again.
Very exciting stuff!!!!

Work is progressing so quickly nowadays I can hardly stand it. I look forward to and dread each day because I need help, I need staff, I need an office outside of my home!!!!

But we're getting there and each day we get a teensy bit closer to the big goals.

Better pix than last time to follow soon!

Thursday, January 11, 2007


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Woof! You sure gotta climb a lot of steps to get to this Capitol Building here in Washington. But I wonder who that sad little scrap of paper is?

I'm writing my first bill.
Yes, I'm writing a bill.
And I'm looking up to Capitol Hill.
Well, it's a long, long journey
To the capital city.
It's a long, long wait
Just to make it to committee,
But I know I'll amend the budget someday
At least I hope and pray that I will,
But today I am still writing a bill.

Yes folks, we are finalizing our Political Agenda!
Writing a proclamation, that will pass through easily and National Eosinophilic Awareness Week will live forever because of it.
THEN! The bill and hosting Capitol Hill Day (May 17th tenatively)

We're looking to amend the 2008 Budget to include an appropriation for some research dollars for our little disease group. Very little has been given to this disease, especially when you compare it to less common diseases recieving far more. (Crohn's is a great example)

ON TOP OF THAT! We're also going to the CDC (Center for Disease Control) and HHS (Health and Human Services) and applying for a new ICD-9 ICD-10 code. These are the codes your doctor checks off on your diagnosis sheets. Our disease isn't listed. It's needed for numerous reasons. First and foremost, it helps to have a REAL diagnosis- legitimizing the disease- yeah, that's a good thing. Second, insurance coverage. Yep, that's good too. Third, helps us actually count just how many people suffer with this disease. With the coding we can come back and make our case for a multi-center epidemiological study which will give insight into the diagnostic rate of this ever-growing disease group.

I've got to learn a whole new set of acronyms!!!

We're applying for separate coding for Eosinophilic Esophagitis (EE), Eosinophilic Gastroenteritis (EGE) and Eosinophilic Colitis (EC). I have strong doubts on EGE and EC, but we're pretty confident in EE getting through (this year).

So- that's a lot for the first six months of the year.
My whole way of doing business is about to change because I am actually entering the political arena- why does the Aerosmith song j-j-j-jaded keep going through my head? Perhaps it's because I'm SO green, or perhaps it's because I know in a year I won't be the same lady- either way, right now, I'm tremendously excited!
See what happens when mommies get mad?????

Sunday, January 07, 2007

A month already?

Okay- here's the sad story of my last month. It's been a doozy.

Part 1, I take sick with that NASSSSTY little stomach bug that swarmed around the USA. It catches me and holds for 36 hrs. I lost 6lbs. OUCH. Yes, the hard way. Wake up midday feeling somewhat sweaty and icky and very, very weak- go to my computer and lo! What is this? I didn't change my background... what the??? NOOOOOOOOOO!
My husband and daughter wiped out my ENTIRE harddrive.

They did a neat little trick- managed to wipe it all out.
I have FIVE years of charity work on here. Last back up disc was created over the summer- I KNOW. Off the computer goes to Mr. Wonderful Computer Whiz. He spends three days on it- retrieves my files. 50 gig of this.

Each file is labeled.
file 1
file 2
file 653246

file 1
file 2

etc etc. I have to go through everything one by one. There are duplicates, I had my charity backup disc, so I have to review and compare each file. One by one. 50 gigs worth. 22,000 jpgs alone. I have rename each one. It's months of work in front of me. At least I had the back up disc- and now I have an external hard drive. Oh, the hard way of doing things.

Part 2.
Yes, Charlie is sick. His biopsies were bad. Today we start the prednisone wean. He's puking again. Not a good time. I'm not happy at all with this. Methotrexate- (read: chemo) starts next.

Part 3.
My stepdad is dying. My mom is leaning on me hard. It's rough to watch them both suffer. I've not always been a superfan of his- but no one deserves to suffer. He's been up and down for some time now. Far too young (57) to deal with the blow he's been handed. Cancer sucks.

Part 4.
My neighbor across the street was diagnosed with cancer 3 weeks ago. They gave him 1-2 years. They have five kids- youngest is 2 months old. He died 3 days ago. Did I mention cancer sucks?

Part 5.
Move the couch a week before Christmas to shampoo the carpets. What do we find? MOLD! With an asthmatic/allergic/eczema daughter and Charlie being highly sensitized to mold... not good. It was there since the last shampooing. Carpet was still wet when we put the furniture back.

SO! we, in infinite wisdom decide to recarpet. Well, there's mold under the couch. New furniture is needed too. If we're doing all of that- hey! Why not paint too. Borrow the carpet swatch, go pick out paint- I painted the entire first floor, stairwell, and upstairs hallway in 2.5 days. It was a lot. Go to pay off the carpeting (hell yeah! no financing on that part!) and uhoh, they don't have it in stock. It's now 5 days before Christmas and everything we own for the downstairs is in the garage.

I go ballistic. Then I get calm. Then I go ballistic. Then I laugh. My mom was there- she wants to jumps in, I give her the eye, she lets me handle it. After what started out as a patronizing conversation ended with them upgrading us, by a lot, better padding too. It worked out waaaay to our advantage. Carpet arrives the next day- oopsie. Miscalculation. Only three rooms can be done. Can't get the rest (which we still had to buy- at a negotiated rate lower than the carpet costs- still to our advantage) so the stairs and duh! my office are left out.

Big mistake. Should have left the formal dining room out and did the office. Duh. Computer? Work? Pshhhh what's a few days. I'll tell you what it is- ETERNITY to a workaholic!

Get through Christmas- and then New Years. This last week, FINALLY it's all in. Now I get to play catch up for a month of minimal internet access. GOOD TIMES!
It looks great. The house was all white and gray/blue before. It's now forest green, tans, beiges etc. MUCH nicer. No mold. YAY for that!

I'm exhausted... and haven't been working-working. I've got tons to do- missed my online buddies. Normally I love the holidays, but this year, I'm sooooooo glad they are over.
Hope everyone else had a great holiday.